Grocery Shopping

Patience is a virtue. That phrase is forever engraved in my mind, as I was a very impatient child. I think it's safe to say that I'm much more patient now, except for when it comes to grocery shopping. I don't mind grocery shopping, unless I go with my family, because then I know it will be at least an hour spent in the store. I don't understand how people can take that long to buy groceries, especially when they have a list. Usually, it only takes me about twenty minutes. Granted, I get less than twenty items, but I feel like, compared to the national average, that's a pretty impressive time. The only thing that slows me down is if I can't find something, there's a jillion people who are also grocery shopping at the time, or the cashier has the mental capacity of a fetus. Sadly, that last one is mildly common.

I went to Wal-Mart the other day (yes, I know. How could I go to Wal-Mart? My walk of shame is going from Wal-Mart to my car with bags of groceries) to get three things. That's it. Just three things - bread, spaghetti sauce, and ground beef. Do you know for how long I was gone? At least half an hour. Why? Well, I will tell you.

First, the parking. There was a good amount of people at Wal-Mart, so parking was a bit difficult, even for me. There is one trait I did not inherit from my father, and that is the trait of Russell Parking. Russell Parking, if you're wondering, is when one drives around the parking lot for as long as it takes to get a good spot. A first-four spot (the first four spots in each row) is considered a "good" spot. I, on the other hand, realize that the parking lot is close to capacity, and consider it a victory if I can find a spot in general. There's one thing that can thwart either strategy - idiot parking lot drivers. Not surprisingly, I encountered an idiot parking lot driver immediately upon entering the parking lot. I was driving up a row just looking for a spot, and the guy in front of me just stopped. "Oh, lucky guy, someone is pulling out of a spot and this guy's gonna take it," I thought. I mean, obviously that's what was happening. There's no other reason to stop. Well, pedestrians, I suppose, but whatever. There weren't any pedestrians. There also wasn't a guy backing out of a spot. This joker just stopped in the middle of the parking lot. Baffled, I sat in my car trying to fathom possible reasons for his stop. Then he started moving again. I didn't, though, because right after the guy in front of me moved, the cart guy was right there to collect carts. There were a lot of carts. As a former cart guy, I know it's important to not impede the movement of cars in the parking lot. It was clearly this guy's first day on the job, because he did not know this basic rule. He pulled out the carts in such a fashion that it took up the whole row of the parking lot, then left the train of carts there to go and gather the stragglers. Eventually, he gathered all of his carts and left, and I found a parking spot.

Once in the store, it honestly took me about two minutes to get my three things, which may not sound too impressive, but based on my observations, if there was a grocery shopping event in the Olympics, I would be vying for the gold medal every four years. I went to the checkout. I hate the self-checkouts because I don't trust them. I've used them twice, and they messed up both times. So, I went to the 20 items or less checkout. I think. Maybe it's ten or less - I really don't know. I do know that it wasn't two items or less, so I was fine. The cashier was an old lady, and very slow. The three people in front of me were also old, and also very slow. This did not sit well with me, as the two clowns in the parking lot had left me feeling very impatient. It was finally my turn to check out, and the total came to like $5.99 or something. It was definitely something and 99 cents. I said, "You can keep the penny," because I hate pennies. The cashier smiled and said, "No, you take it - you might need it," which I feel is a pretty accurate assumption of anyone who shops at Wal-Mart. Sadly, she was right - I probably will need that penny.