Yeah! iPhone!

I don't have an iPhone and, realistically, never will. Partly because I will be forever poor, but mostly because I don't like them. I've never even used an iPhone, but that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to dislike them. I really hate their commercials. That's really the only reason why I don't like iPhones. It seems like Apple is marketing a phone with basic features and calling them innovative and new. They're not. They're old and dumb. For instance:

I just set my phone to vibrate
The most recent iPhone commercial is a dream that an iPhone owner is having. In said dream, he is single-handedly battling Serena and Venus Williams in a ping-pong match. In the commercial, he says it would be a pity if this dream was interrupted by a phone call. Luckily, the new iPhone has a setting where you can not receive phone calls. Whoa. That is innovative. Oh wait, no it's not. When I don't want to receive phone calls, I turn my phone off. If I want to receive phone calls but don't want to hear my phone ring, I set it to vibrate or silent. Vibrate? Silent? Power button? Now that's innovative.

My thumb does not go from here to here
In another commercial for the iPhone, Apple states that your thumb "goes from here to here," and that the new, bigger screen "goes from here to here," the same "here to here" as your thumb! Pretty cool, eh? Yeah, not if you're me. I have freakishly small hands, and, statistically speaking, your thumb probably doesn't go the exact length as the commercial's actor's thumb does, either. Apple describes this feature as a "dazzling display of common sense." No. It's not. It's assuming we're all dumb. Also, most people I know, including myself, use both hands when operating a phone. My phone is tiny and I still use both hands. Granted, my hands are also tiny, but they're not that tiny.

I'm sorry, this orchestra is making it so I can't hear you
This commercial had a feature that is new and, actually, is pretty neat. Still not flawless, though, or even helpful, really. This is the commercial where there's an orchestra playing, and the commercial narrator asks the maestro to turn it down. He then goes on to state that the new iPhone has a microphone that will turn down the volume of sounds around you. I'm assuming this means that the person to whom you are speaking can't hear the background noise, in this case the orchestra. That's nice. However, you can still hear the orchestra! You have two ears, yes? Your iPhone's only being shoved into one of them. That other ear will pick up the sound of the orchestra, or whatever the background noise is, making the conversation difficult for you to hear.

Headphones* were never round
This one doesn't really deal with the iPhone, but it's an Apple commercial. I guess Apple came out with some new headphones. Their marketing pitch was that your ears aren't round, so why should your headphones be round? These headphones are not round. You know what? My headphones are not round, either. I've had them for five years. This is not even close to a new concept. Actually, the only round headphones I've ever seen in my life were the original iPod headphones.

*By "headphones" I mean earbuds. Apple uses the term "headphones" in the commercial.