Betcha Can't Eat Just One

I'm not sure how the slogan popped into my head, but it did the other day. "Betcha can't eat just one" is/was (I'm not sure) the slogan for Lay's potato chips. It's a good slogan, but I don't think Lay's is the correct company to use it. I mean, who's eating one potato chip, anyway? Nobody is saying, "I like potato chips! Let me grab just one." You don't start eating potato chips just to eat one.

I think "betcha can't eat just one" would be better suited for, like, a pizza place or something. Like, Pizza Hut: Betcha can't eat just one. You'd be driving down the road and see that and think, "Can't eat just one...pizza? Really? I bet I can!" and you'd stop in, order your pizza, eat it, and be like, "Ha! Just one pizza! I win!" But you just ate at Pizza Hut, so really, you're still a loser.

Or maybe if a place that didn't specialize in just one food (I know Pizza Hut does more than pizza, but it's called *Pizza* Hut, so...) used "betcha can't eat just one" it'd be pretty successful; you wouldn't know what they were referring to. Like Dairy Queen: Betcha can't eat just one! One what? Sundae? Ice cream cone? Blizzard? Piece of ice cream cake? An entire ice cream cake? It doesn't matter, that is not a bet I'd like to make. I don't think it matters what Dairy Queen is talking about - I'm eating at least two.

Actually, I think a lot of companies could use the slogan and just alter it a little bit. Like Oreos! Obviously you can't eat just one, that's silly. But they could do, "Oreos: Betcha can't eat just 12, ya fatty!" and I'd be like, "12? Yeah, I bet I can!" Then two minutes later I'd be like, "Ah man, I lost again! I didn't learn anything from last time," which would've been four minutes earlier. This is where Lay's can learn something. Maybe something like, "Lay's: Betcha can't eat these until you fall asleep!" or, "Lay's: Betcha can't eat just the recommended serving amount!" I mean, they can workshop that a little bit, but my original point still stands - nobody is eating just one potato chip. That's like saying, "Betcha can't sleep just one hour and be fully functional the next day," or "Betcha can't make cookies without eating any of the cookie dough." It's just not realistic.

Ajar/A Jar

A few nights ago, it was really cold. That is to be expected, since it's December, and I'm in South Dakota, which, contrary to what the name suggests, is very much in the Northern part of the country. It's kind of ironic, if you don't think about it. Anyway, I have no qualms with the cold until it messes stuff up. The stuff it messed up, I think, is the rear driver's side door on Maxwell (Maxwell is my car, for those of you just joining us). I'm not sure if the cold is the problem, but the problem just started happening when it got cold. So, there's a direct correlation between the temperature being cold and Maxwell's door acting up. Though, it's important to remember that correlation does not equal causation (see the "decrease in pirates caused global warming" graph). The problem is that the door won't shut. Or it won't latch. I'm not 100% sure on what the problem is, but I am 100% sure that it's a problem. This is the door I use to put pizzas into my car when I deliver them, but if it's not going to shut, I'm not going to use that door, which is unfortunate, because that is the most convenient door to use. So, here's what happened:

I was just about to go out on a delivery. I had the pizzas, I signed out, and I left the store. I went up to Maxwell, opened his door, put the pizzas in, and shut the door. Except it didn't shut. It was open just a tiny bit. I thought maybe the seat belt was stuck in the door, since that happens with the driver's (or "my") door. But that wasn't the case. I looked all over the door and the...doorway? Is it called a doorway on a car? It would make sense, but is that what it's called? Anyway, the answer was not there, either. It wasn't a huge deal, though. It wasn't going to fly open, but it was going to let cold air in. Also I wasn't really sure it wasn't going to fly open, so this was actually pretty nerve-racking for me. I decided to shut it as best as I could and then lock it. It made sense to me that locking it would keep it shut, even if it wasn't actually shut. This works for a few deliveries: I use the rear passenger door instead and do nothing with the broken one. But then, after delivering a pizza, I went back to my car and the door was ajar!* "Oh, man," I thought, disheartened. "Maxwell, you're broken." Defeated, I shut the door one last time. And it actually shut. I had fixed Maxwell! I didn't use that door for the rest of the night, but I have since then and it is definitely fixed! "I am a mechanic!" I proudly exclaimed, and then was embarrassed that I had proudly exclaimed that.

*I never miss an opportunity to teach, and this is one of those opportunities. Notice how the word "ajar" is just that - one word. This is different from "a jar" which means...well, it means a jar. "Ajar" means slightly open, which is what my door was. My door was not a jar. That would've completely thrown me off and I don't think I'd have been able to fix Maxwell. Likewise, the word "apart" is very different from "a part." In fact, those two are actually opposites. If you were "apart" of something, you weren't involved in it. At all. And actually you would have been apart from that something. Now, if you were "a part" of something, you were a part...of it... It's really not that difficult. I get furious every time I see something like, "What a great group of people. I'm so glad I could be apart of it!" on Facebook. It's actually more infuriating than the comment that says, "Me to!" and the other one that says, "Aww, I wish I was their!"

Wagon Wheel and Chicken Poppers. Naked.

I'm a delivery guy for Papa John's here in Brookings. It's not usually a super exciting job, but tonight was a little different. There were two deliveries I made that really stood out, and here's why:

My second delivery of the night was to 617 Wagon Wheel Circle 1, which means that 617 Wagon Wheel Circle is an apartment, and this person lives in apartment 1. Wagon Wheel Circle is in an area known as Western Estates. In Western Estates, each area has a name. For instance, all the 700 houses are Morgan's Run, so all of the houses in Western Estates whose house number is in the 700's will be in Morgan's Run. I drove to Western Estates and went to the 600's, since the apartment was 617. I quickly realized that there are no apartments in Western Estates but, for some reason, still assumed the address was correct, just the person was a little confused. I found the 600's, but the sign said that it was Morgan's Pass. "Ha, apparently this person is really confused - his house isn't on Wagon Wheel Circle." I looked for 617, but the 600's only went to 610. Okay. Well, I figured I should probably go to Wagon Wheel Circle, then. When I found Wagon Wheel Circle, I found that it was the 100's of Western Estate. "Oh, okay! He must've meant 117! That's a realistic mistake." Except Wagon Wheel Circle only goes up to 116. "Alright, I gotta call this dude and see what's up here." I pulled over and took out my phone, but I didn't have any service in Western Estates. Of course I didn't. I had to drive farther away from where I wanted to be, but I called the guy. "Hi, is this (name)?"

"Yup it is."

"Hi, this is Joe from Papa John's. I have your order, but I'm having a little trouble finding your place."

"Oh, you just drove right past me!"

"Oh, really?"

"Yeah!"

"Could you tell me your house number?" He could, and he did.

"Ooooooooookay. I'll be there in less than a minute."

And I was. When I got there I apologized and explained what happened.

"The address I have says 617 Wagon Wheel, so..."

"What? That's not right."

"I know. That's not even a real place."

"Yeah, I was gonna say..."

"Welp, have a good night!"

The other notable delivery I made tonight almost didn't happen. I had just gotten back from delivering to campus (which I hate. Our campus is dumb as far as dorms and parking available) and my boss said, "Well, Joe, you wanna do one more or are you ready to go home?" I figured I could do one more. I mean, more money, and there weren't any other drivers in the store at that time, so I kind of had to take it. This one was an apartment. An actual apartment. I've been to this apartment quite a few times this weekend with deliveries. Actually, I'd been to this same room this weekend. The guy who lives there is cool! I was excited. I drove there, went in, and knocked on the guy's door. No answer. I knocked again. No answer. This went on for probably five minutes, which is a long time for knocking. I started to chuckle to myself because I thought, "Heh, he's probably doing it with some chick. Heh." I decided I should call. Of course, though, I had no service in this apartment building. I went outside. As I was walking towards my car, I looked over my shoulder because I knew that this guy's apartment had a window facing the street. As I looked, a woman walked into the room. She was naked. She was also large. "Gross," I thought. But then I thought, "Hey! Someone will answer the door now!" so I went back in and knocked. No answer. I knocked again. I heard a weird yelping noise, then the door opened a tiny bit and a guy stuck his head out. He handed me some money and said, "You can keep all of it!" and I handed him his chicken poppers." Then I thought, "Heh, I was totally right. He totally was doing it," but I felt a little awkward because, since I delivered to this guy's apartment the other night, I felt like I knew him a little.

For some reason, as I was walking to my car, I looked over my shoulder again and into the window. There they both were. Just sitting on some bar stools at the counter eating some chicken poppers. Naked.