Perpetual Failure: Minnesota Sports

Thus far, my life as a sports fan has been nothing short of tragic. The only championship from a major pro sports team that I've witnessed was the Twins winning the World Series in 1991. I was three months old. Sure, just last year the Lynx won the WNBA title, but that just doesn't give me the same kind of excitement that I would expect from a championship. The major pro sports, I think, are football, baseball, basketball, and hockey. That means that, in order for me to witness a championship by one of my beloved Minnesota teams, either the Vikings, Twins, Timberwolves, or Wild would have to win one. The Vikings, Twins, and Wild are pretty awful, meaning the Timberwolves have the best shot at a title, though I think the Vikes will be a lot better this year (I'll get to that in a moment). You know Minnesota's sports outlook is pretty bleak when the Timberwolves have the best shot at a title. Their odds aren't good, either. They're not even decent. Sure, we've got Ricky Rubio and Kevin Love, arguably two of the best (if not the best in Kevin Love's case) at their respective positions of point guard and power forward, but outside of those two, we're not very good. Nikola Pekovic showed a lot of promise this year as the team's center, actually, so add him to the Love and Rubio group of "at-least-solid-starters. Derrick Williams showed flashes at times and, given that he was just a rookie, could end up being a very good player. The only problem is that he's more of a power forward than a small forward, and we've got the best power forward in basketball. The team desperately needs a shooting guard that can actually shoot (that seems like it should be easy to find, but apparently it's harder than it seems) and an athletic small forward. If we can get those this off-season, and if Rubio can fully recover from his knee injury, the Wolves will be a contender for a top-four spot in the west next year. Yeah, I said it.

*Sigh*... The Twins. This team is such a mess, I don't even know where to start. Yeah, we've won five of our last seven, which is good (it's actually really good. 1/3 of our wins have come in the last seven games), but frankly, we're a bad team. Without doing any research on this, I believe that Carl Pavano is the only current starter that was in the rotation at the start of the year. That's actually good because, even though all five of them were garbage, he was the best one. Consequently, I believe our starters had the highest ERA among starting rotations in baseball. Now we have three guys I've not heard of and Duensing in the rotation (I think), and I feel a lot more comfortable with that. It's not just the pitching though. Our hitting, though explosive at times, is inconsistent at best. It's unfortunate, too, because when the five guys on the team who can actually hit (Denard Span, Joe Mauer, Josh Willingham, Justin Morneau, and Ryan Doumit) are hitting well, we score a lot of runs. When they're not, though, that means it's up to guys like Alexi Casilla, Jamey Carroll, and Erik Komatsu to get hits. They can't get hits. Mauer and Morneau, though still good-very good, are shells of their former selves. If they were the Mauer and Morneau from five or six years ago, this team would be drastically better.

The definition of heartbreaker when it comes to sports has got to be the Minnesota Vikings. I mean, not last year. Last year they were pitiful. It's not like we've never been good, though. It's not even like we haven't been good recently, because we have. Remember 2009? Yeah, the 12-4, Brett-Favre-led Minnesota Vikings won the NFC North division, and should've at least made the Super Bowl. Yeah, I'm going to complain about that NFC Championship game a bit. First, though, I will reminisce. I remember week 3, Favre's last second, desperation heave to the endzone, miraculously caught by none other than Greg Lewis. I remember sprinting to my dorm room from my Monday night class to watch Favre beat the Packers on Monday Night Football. I remember all the "experts" saying the Cowboys would beat us in the Divisional round of the playoffs, their only reason being that the Cowboys won their Wild Card game. I remember saying, numerous times, "I hope we beat the Cowboys by 30, just so everyone will realize how dumb they are." I remember the Vikings winning 34-3, and the Cowboys complaining that we ran up the score. That game couldn't have been more perfect for me. Then, yes, I remember the NFC Championship game against my new-least-favorite team - the New Orleans Saints. The game in which Saints linebacker, Jonathan Vilma, offered $10,000 to whichever player knocked Favre out of the game. A sense of vindication came over me when the Saints' bounty system was discovered; I, along with many other Vikings fans, knew that the Saints players were playing dirty. Non-Vikings fans called us sore losers. What really bothers me, though, is that the referees just let that happen. They're just as pathetic as the Saints players.

That's not all with the heartbreak of the Vikings, though. Remember 1998? The '98 Vikings are the second best team to never win a Super Bowl, behind only the Patriots team that went 16-0 in the regular season. In '98, the Vikings went 15-1. Our kicker, Gary Andersen, didn't miss a single kick the whole year. That's unheard of! 100% accuracy on field goals for the whole year. Granted, we scored a ton of touchdowns, so Andersen didn't need to kick a lot of field goals. However, in the NFC Championship game that year, he not only kicked field goals, he missed field goals. We ended up losing in overtime, and seven-year-old Joe Russell cried.

Currently, the Vikings are not very good. We do, however, have the best running back in the league (Adrian Peterson) and the best defensive end in the league (Jared Allen). Christian Ponder, now that he has a decent left tackle in Matt Kalil, should improve drastically this year. An awful defensive secondary was improved (though only slightly) with the drafting of safety Harrison Smith and cornerback Josh Robinson. For some reason, no matter how bad the Vikings were the year before, I am always optimistic about the upcoming season at this time during the year. Knowing how horrible we were last year, looking at this year's schedule, I think six or seven wins is realistic. That's still not very good, but it's at least twice as good as last year.

(I know next to nothing about hockey, so I'm just going to assume the Wild will be bad again next year)

The thing about Minnesota sports teams is that we're not always bad, we're just never the best. I feel like if you want emotional balance in your life, you need to be a Minnesota sports fan. That sounds kind of crazy, given that it's pretty depressing here, sports-wise, but hear me out. You have to be optimistic to be a Minnesota sports fan. If you're pessimistic, the frustration, depression, and heart break will be too much, and you'll abandon ship. However, Minnesota sports turns anyone into a pessimist because Murphy's Law (what can go wrong will go wrong) is in full effect for every single sporting event. Actually, I guess it could go either way: you'll either find emotional balance, or you'll become a schizophrenic. Heh, well, good luck with that.

Super Bowl? More Like Pooper Bowl

Amiright? No? Okay, well, hear me out. Or read me out. Eh...just read what I'm writing and try to understand, please. For the second consecutive year, two teams for whom I truly do not care are vying for the rights to be called the best team in the NFL. At least this year neither team is being let by a (alleged) rapist. That sure made it hard to cheer for them. Now that I think about it, I feel bad that I rooted for the Steelers and not for the Packers. As a Vikings fan, that hurts to say, but I mean, rapist v. arch rival. I feel like I should choose arch rival every time.

But I digress. This year's super bowl pits Tom "Pretty Boy" Brady against his rival, Peyton Manning....'s younger brother, Eli "Derp" Manning. "Derp" isn't really Eli's nickname, but he just looks and sounds like a derp so, that's what that's all about. The only nickname I've ever heard given to Eli was "Sheli," like "She-li," like she's a girl. It made me laugh.

I'm getting pretty side-tracked with very mundane things right now. I'm sorry. As I'm typing this, I'm simultaneously trying to make mini corn dogs for the game tonight. So, there's also that going on which is pretty distracting. Anyway, I have to break this game down and predict the outcome!

I'm going to come right out and say it - I think the Giants will win, which is surprising, because I'm rooting for them. If there's one thing I've learned from being a Vikings fan, it's that the team I root for usually loses. Let me explain why I think they'll win. There's really only two reasons.

1. The Giants can pressure the quarterback. They can pressure the quarterback very, very well. I've watched two Patriots games this year, and I noticed that, most times, Tom Terrific just stands still in the pocket, never having to move, until he finds an open receiver. I don't believe he'll be able to do that against the Giants, and the pressure on him will prove to be problematic.

2. The Patriots cannot defend the deep ball. The Giants can throw the deep ball, again, very, very well. I believe that the trio of Hakeem Nicks, Victor Cruz, and Mario Manningham will be too much for the less-than-stellar secondary of the Patriots to handle.

Given those two reasons, I believe the Giants will win, 31-21.

So, um, take that, I guess.

All-NFL Fail Team

My friend, Aaron Sundmark (AKA Sunny) just texted me with this idea, and I thought it was fantastic. I don't know how many of you have watched NFL football this year, but there have been some pretty lackluster performances this year. Personally, I'd like to just elect the Packers as the epitome of NFL fail teams given their early exit in the playoffs, but I have to put personal feelings aside. I would feel bad for them because I know what it's like to have the best team and then underachieve in the playoffs (See: 1998 Vikings, 2009 Vikings (though 2009 was a culmination of obvious favoritism by the refs ("New Orleans is the team of Destiny!" *barf* More like team of cheap shots and complete lack of sportsmanship, amiright?) and horrendous ball control), but they're the Packers, and I had to deal with "We're the best team EVARRRR," and "Green Bay dynasty is back!" and "How many championships have the Vikings won?" and "Derpty-derp de teedly herpty derpty do" all year. I am definitely savoring these weeks before the Vikings inevitably mess up the draft and are placed on the pedestal of failure for all to laugh at and mock. Wow, that was quite the unanticipated rant. Sorry. Without further adieu, the 2011-2012 All-NFL Fail Team.

QB - Donovan McNabb/Mark Sanchez. The McNabb experiment, predictably, was a complete failure for the Vikings. He was awful, then got benched, then got placed on waivers where nobody claimed him. As for Mark Sanchez, well, he's never been good; this is just the first year people besides me finally figured that out.

RB - Marion Barber III. Barber pretty much single-handedly lost that game against Denver late in the season. He ran out of bounds when the Bears were trying to run the clock out. Then in overtime, he fumbled, which set Denver up for the game-winning field-goal.

WR - Lee Evans. This one is hard, because he's on here for his dropped TD yesterday. I personally thought he caught it, and it should've been a TD. Still, though, you gotta hang on to that, Lee!

WR - Chad Ochocinco. Seriously, what happened to Chad? 15 receptions for 276 yards and one TD...for the whole season. This is a guy who, a few years ago, had the ability to get those numbers in one game.

WR - Bernard Berrian. He was garbage before this year, but if you get cut from the Vikings, that's a pretty big fail.

TE - Jermichael Finley. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if he had more drops than receptions this year. If he would drop a few letters from "Jermichael," he'd have a normal name, so, fail for his name, too.

OL - 49er's unit. Alex Smith was sacked more than any QB in the NFL. I know it's not all the offensive line's fault, but it's mostly their fault.

Defense (I'm not analytical enough to find TD's allowed for CB's, or missed tackles for LB's, etc, so I'm just going to pick a defense that was very underwhelming as a whole and pick them) - Packers/Patriots/Buccaneers. The two worst defenses as far as YPG goes, and the worst defense as far as PPG goes, respectively. Bucs were also third worst in YPG, so if I had to pick just one defense (which I don't because it's my list, so they're my rules, too), I'd pick Tampa as the worst defense.

K - Billy Cundiff. Oh man. This one hurts a lot. Remember how I mentioned the 1998 Vikings? Well, in the NFC championship game that year, Gary Andersen missed two kicks that would've ended up winning us the game, after not missing a single kick the whole year. I know how it feels, Baltimore fans, but that doesn't make it any less of a fail.

P - I have no idea here. Can I use that Giants punter from last year who punted to DeSean Jackson? Yes, I can, because they're my rules.

KR/PR - Kyle Williams. That's the 49er's return man. The one who fumbled a punt in overtime to set up the game winning field goal for the Giants. Yup. Epic Fail.

You got a problem with this list? Let me know. I did probably a total of five minutes of research on this and absolutely no use of my memory.

Visiting Mark

This story happened quite a while ago. I'd been meaning to write about it for a long time, now, but I'm pretty much pro when it comes to procrastinating.

In the middle of October, I decided I'd visit my friend, Mark, at his home in Owatonna. I went to my home in Cold Spring first, though, because I had to watch my little brothers on Friday night whilst my dad and step-mom were gallivanting about (I really don't remember what they were doing. They probably went to Menards or something). So, Saturday morning, I set out on my journey to Owatonna. The directions were pretty simple - 94 to 35W to Owatonna (those numbers are highways. Or freeways, I don't really know... Those big roads that cities have (I'm from a small town. Shut up)).

I found my way to 35W pretty easily, despite the fact that I followed the signs directing me there (the signs in the Twin Cities would be laughably inaccurate if I didn't depend on them to direct me places. Since I do, they are infuriatingly inaccurate). However, after about five minutes of driving on 35W, there was a sign indicating that there was construction work and, consequently, a detour. The whole highway/freeway/big road that cities have was blocked off, forcing the drivers to exit via the closest exit ramp, which I did. The people in charge of the detour forgot to put up detour signs, though. I was very much out of my element. I decided to follow other people who exited, which is a great plan, because, obviously, everyone else was going to Owatonna, too. When I realized that the odds of everyone else going to Owatonna were actually much lower than I had initially suspected, I called my dad, because he's pretty much a human GPS when it comes to the Twin Cities area of Minnesota. He directed me to Owatonna, where there was much rejoicing and fun had by all.

Sunday evening (Yes, I am going to skip over my time in Owatonna. It was fun, but this post is strictly about my driving woes), I had to go back to Brookings. You know, classes and stuff on Monday. I wanted Highway 14 West, because that's a straight shot to Brookings. I was driving and went by a sign that said in order to get to Highway 14 West, I'd have to take my next left. Except that next left was immediately after the sign, not giving me enough time to slow down and turn. I continued on, made a U-turn, and took the turn. Then there was sign that said there was construction on 14 East, which didn't affect me at all. The next sign said 14 East would be my next right, and 14 West would be my next left. I turned left, and realized that there was construction on this highway. Then I remembered that 14 East was supposed to have construction. I turned around and got onto 14 "East," which was actually 14 West, which was actually the same road I was on when I missed the turn to bring me to 14 West. It only took me an extra hour to get back to Brookings. Don't worry, though - I listened to the Vikings get annihilated against the Bears on the radio, so my drive was... actually it was pretty horrible.

Neither of these first two posts were about the Vikings, yet they both ended with a sad little factoid regarding them. So much for happy endings, eh?

Amish Cars

Weeeeee! Look at this new site! That's pretty neat, yeah? Yeah. It is. I kind of feel like I have to introduce myself or something, but I'm not going to do that. Actually, the fact that this is the intro for this post is a pretty good indicator that I can't think of an intro for this post.

A few months ago, my sister got a new car. There are two things wrong with that statement - 1. I don't actually know how much time has passed since she got this car, and 2. It's not actually a new car. It was a salvaged title, but when it comes to cars, 'new," to me, means, "different than the previous one," which this car is. Actually, there was no previous car... Um... My sister got a car a while ago. It's a pretty nice car. She named it Alfred, and it's black. I don't know what kind of car it is other than a black car. Named Alfred. Like I said, it's pretty nice, except it doesn't have cruise control. Or power windows. Or power locks. And the headlights are questionable at best. I was riding in it recently, and I thought, "If the Amish believed in technology and drove cars, this is the kind of car they would drive. No cruise control or power anything, and the headlights are like candles."

A time period unbeknownst to me after my sister had purchased her Amish car, my dad also purchased an Amish car. I fear that my family is slowly making the transition to Amish...ness (Amishism? Amism? Anyone?). Every time I come home from college, now, I expect to see the lights replaced with candles, a fireplace where the stove is, and the TVs replaced with etch-a-sketches. That last one would make watching the Vikings a little bit less tragic, I guess. I could just skip watching it and sketch a big "L." That would stand for loss. Because the Vikings suck and lose all the time. Boy, this post certainly changed topics pretty quickly.