Why Do I Live Here?

 My daughter, Josephine, just turned 3 years old at the beginning of March. That was a very happy time. The weather was warm and the days were getting longer. We had beaten winter. Heat Miser had won (I've never seen the movie that Heat Miser is in, nor do I know the plot. I'm assuming he probably preferred summer to winter? I don't know but I'm sticking with it). In fact, we actually had a pool party for Josie's birthday. An indoor pool party, of course, but a pool party nonetheless. 

This piece isn't actually going to have anything to do with the party, but the fact that Josie turned 3 is relevant. Cut to yesterday: we just got 6ish inches (I'm horrible at estimating) of snow. And not just any snow, but the really heavy kind that someone with an electric snow blower hates because an electric snow blower can't blow that snow very effectively. I, unfortunately, have an electric snow blower. So out I went with my shovel, just to get the end of the driveway where the snow plows create a snow wall. Have you ever seen Game of Thrones? That's the kind of wall I'm talking about, and it's at the end of my driveway. When I've got that cleared, my back is starting to ache a bit, but I noticed both neighbors had cleared the sidewalk in front of their houses, which means I have to clear the sidewalk in front of my house. And if I'm going to clear the sidewalk, I'm going to clear the walkway up to my house. And if I clear the walkway up to my house, I'm going to shovel a path through my yard for the mailperson to walk through. It's a real "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie" situation but with far less cookies and probably a lot less joy, too.

That, also, was mostly background information. Cut to this morning: I open my garage door and notice that all my hard work had been outdone by mother nature (and probably Snow Miser, too, now that I think about it). No worries - this is pretty light snow. The kind of snow that makes someone with an electric snow blower feel smug because an electric snow blower can blow that snow with the best of the gas snow blowers. So I'm feeling pretty smug on my drive to work, but also a little terrified because the roads are terrible. My bosses are actually surprised I showed up and send me home early. I finish up a few things for work and decide it's time to go move some snow around, which won't be an issue because it's light. I start at the end of the driveway with a shovel again because that snow wall is back. It's very heavy and my back has not recovered from yesterday, so I'm struggling after a very short time. Once completed, I put the shovel away, grab the snow blower, and plug it in. I start it up, take a step out of the garage, and the snow blower turns off. That doesn't bode well for me. We've hardly moved any snow. Maybe the outlet is bad, so I switch outlets. No dice. It is then that I notice the cord is frayed and just barely holding together. "Do I have electrical tape?" I ask myself. "Certainly not...but maybe?" So I go and look. Again, no dice. And no electrical tape, either. But I do have painters tape! And what is snow blowing if not painting the yard with snow? I tape up the cord, nice and tight, plug the snow blower back in and...nothing. I've lost. I stare out at my snow covered driveway and say aloud, "I hate it here." After a good stretch of the back, I trudge out with my shovel and ask myself, "Why do I live here?"

"Oh, yeah, because I have two kids and a legally binding agreement splitting custody of them, and moving far away would make my time with them decrease dramatically, and I don't want that." Circling back to Josie turning 3: "In 15 years, I'm outta here." I think, as I slowly push snow from one side of my driveway to the other. Now, you may be thinking, "But Joe, wouldn't that be hard for your kids if you moved from the only town they've known as home as soon as the youngest graduated high school?" Listen here: my parents did the exact. Same. Thing. And I turned out okay! Well, "okay" might be a stretch, but it's not because my parents moved. You may also be thinking, "This seems like something you do when you retire...why don't you just wait until then?" That's a great point! The only problem is that I probably will never be able to retire so, you know, I can't wait until then.

This is actually very exciting for me because A. I've never had a long term plan before. Like, the farthest ahead I've planned was, "If I eat now, I won't be hungry for dinner. Maybe just a snack then?" and B. I'm not a very good planner. That probably explains part A quite a bit, actually. Now, do I know where I'm going to move? Certainly not. It's pretty tricky because I'd be moving to escape the snow, but I also don't like hot. I also love snow at Christmas. It's a lot to think about, and pretty daunting. Especially when I consider how much I hate moving.

Maybe I should just get a new snow blower.

 

Why Wolves Fans Don't Need to Stress the Draft

As you may know, the NBA draft is set to take place tomorrow night. Though, with all of the trades and speculation that have taken place this week, one might think that, instead, tomorrow is the trade deadline. Nope. Sources are saying it is, in fact, the draft.

I have a lot of thoughts about the draft. I mean, a lot. I was thinking about running through various scenarios for your future-NBA-champion Minnesota Timberwolves, but I've thought up a lot of scenarios and I think I'd still be writing this by the time the draft is over. I'm not sure how to compose this, so I think I'm just gonna go for it and see what happens. Before I dive on in, though, it should be noted that I'm not going to be speculating on who the Wolves will draft (or trade) based on any inside information. I do not have "sources," outside of Twitter, which, let's be honest, doesn't really count.

First, here's why there's no need for us Wolves faithful to worry: I think, if they keep the pick (which is far from guaranteed), the worst realistic scenario is that they take Lauri Markkanen. Now, to be clear, this isn't a great scenario by any means, and is the worst case scenario for good reason. However, what's the one thing the Wolves need? Er, defense, yeah, but what's the other one thing the Wolves need? Okay, yeah, probably a proven veteran player to provide leadership and also quality minutes. What's the other, other one thing the Wolves need? Shooting! Yes! And what's the one thing Markkanen can do? Yes - shoot! That one was much easier. He does fill a need, but in the draft, sometimes drafting for a need is a dangerous game. Markkanen, I think, has a floor of Andrea Bargnani, which is a pretty low floor, for sure. I think a more accurate comparison, though, is kind of a Channing Frye/Ryan Anderson type guy who's tall and knocks down threes and doesn't do much else, which is pretty "meh," but I'd take a guy like that coming off the bench. Unfortunately, I think this is the most likely scenario for the Wolves, but again, it's not a terrible worst-case scenario as far as worst-case scenarios go.

A much better and only slightly less likely scenario that also fills the need of a shooter would be Malik Monk. Monk would be a little redundant with Zach LaVine on the roster, but he definitely would help with bench scoring. I wouldn't count on him to carry the load off the bench as a rookie, but when the Wolves are ready to contend in a few years, he'd be a great piece who would at least keep the Wolves in games while the starters rest. Monk can score with ease and, I think, much like former Kentucky great/current Timberwolves great, Karl-Anthony Towns, was fitting into a role at Kentucky rather than being able to "be himself." This is scenario 1a. for me; I would be ecstatic with Monk

Scenario 1, of course, is Jonathan Isaac. Isaac is a raw prospect, but would still be able to contribute a bit as a rookie. He's a defensive-minded big who can shoot threes, which sounds fantastic to me. Isaac to the Wolves would be a perfect match, as he would provide much needed support for the defense, as well as being able to help out with the shooting issues, though I don't think I'd exactly call him a sharpshooter. For Isaac, Minnesota would be a great landing spot because he would not need to take on a large role right away, and even when he was ready to take on a large(r) role, he would be the secondary big man on the team.

Now, this is all provided they keep the pick. If they don't keep the pick, the worst-case scenario would be trading it for a turd, like former Laker great, Sasha Vujacic (how long has Vujacic been out of the league? That's how long the NBA has been great). Of course, the best-case scenario would be packaging it to get Kristaps Porzingis. Another, more realistic option, of course, would be to trade down. Trading up, technically, is also an option, but I really don't anticipate that happening. If the Wolves were to trade down, I think a great target would be OG Anunoby, an even more defensive-minded big than Isaac, minus all the offensive skills. According to wikipedia, OG has an eight-freaking-foot wingspan, which is just...Jesus...eight feet, huh? I'm not sure how accurate that is, but I'd take him just because he might have something close to an eight foot wingspan. Another trade-down target could be Gonzaga big man, Zach Collins. That'd be...okay. I wouldn't get excited about it, and, actually, would be a little disappointed. Collins is kind of a jack-of-all trades, master of none type of big guy. He'd be a safe pick and a solid rotational big, which, like Markkanen, is definitely not a terrible option. I would prefer Collins to Markkanen, just for the record.

I'm not even going to throw out any trades that the Wolves might make, because my only NBA trading experience is on 2k, and I can hardly throw together a trade that's accepted on there. I will say that Ricky Rubio is my favorite player, and I'd hate to see him go. But, if he were to be part of a package that would net Jimmy Butler or, dare I say, Kristaps Porzingis, and then the Wolves go ahead and sign a Jeff Teague/George Hill/Jrue Holiday (though maybe not Jrue because if he gets injured one more time he'll get put down; I'm pretty sure that's how that works), as they are rumored to be exploring, well, I think I just might be fine with that. However, I really don't think the Wolves will be adding a star.

Whatever happens, even if it's taking Markkanen or trading Rubio for not-Butler or not-Porzingis, we'll still have free agency to look forward to, as this is going to be the most pivotal off-season in franchise history. But, hey, no pressure.

Food On Sticks

A few weeks ago (that seems to be a theme in my recent posts) a bunch of camp friends and I were going to go to the Minnesota State Fair. I was really excited because I haven't been there in six years, and I really love food on sticks, especially if it's deep fried. However, my involvement in the plan hit a snag.

Since this was near the end of August and school was right around the corner, I decided I should probably check my school email. I hadn't done that since shortly after Summer had started. Sure enough, I had a decent amount of emails, though most of them weren't important. There was one, however, with a bunch of medical stuff that I needed to get done before classes started. Fortunately, I had gotten a physical before Summer started and I was up to date on all my immunizations. However, it said I needed to get a TB test. I had not had one of those ever. For a TB test, you get a little shot right under the surface of your skin. Between 48 and 72 hours later, you go back and get it checked. If there are no bumps around the area you got the shot, you're good to go. The 48-72 hour thing was the major setback, because I read this email on Wednesday, and the State Fair outing was to be on Friday. I set up an appointment for 2:00 on Wednesday, meaning I'd have to wait until 2:00 on Friday to get it checked. We were meeting at 11:00 at the Fair on Friday. Clearly, I would be late, especially considering my appointment was in Litchfield, which is an hour and a half away from the Fairgrounds in the cities. "Oh well," I thought. "At least I'll get to be there for a few hours."

When I got to the doctor's office on Friday, I was told to sit in the waiting room, as is the standard protocol for doctor's office visits. It turned out that they forgot about me, apparently, because I waited for over an hour, which is really fun at the doctor's office because they have...um, magazines! So I read the "ESPN The Magazine" magazine all the way through, then read the longest article over again. I also sat and listened to the old people talk. It is a fact that over 80% of people in a doctor's office at any given time are old. I mean like "over 70" old. One old lady also had to wait for a while, apparently, because she was upset. A nurse finally came for her, and I could hear the lady as she walked back to the room: "I am very upset. I have been waiting and waiting. I am very upset."

"I know, I understand. We're sorry for the inconvenience. Now if you could just step on the scale and we'll measure your height and weight..."

"I came in two days ago and I had to do that. I won't do it. I will. Not. Do it."

"Okay, well, we'll just get your weight then."

After starting that really long magazine article (which was about Matt Kemp of the Dodgers, so I wasn't even that interested in it) for a third time, I decided I should probably see what was going on with my wait. I went up to the receptionist and said, "Excuse me, I've been waiting for over an hour, and all I need is to get my TB test checked."

"You're still here?! I told the nurses three different times that you were ready! I'll take care of this." She left, and I went back to sit. I felt like I handled that really well considering I was furious because I just wanted to eat food on sticks. About a minute later, a nurse hurried in and called my name. The appointment literally took one minute. I held out my arm, she ran her hand over it and said, "Okay, you're good," and I left. It was about 3:30 when I finally left. I pulled out my directions to the Fairgrounds and began my journey. Unfortunately, my directions were from google. You'd think I'd have learned by now. I followed them perfectly until it was literally impossible to do that. They told me to turn left on some street South, but follow the signs for some street North. I couldn't even...I didn't...I had no idea what google was trying to pull, so I just turned left. I drove past the Fairgrounds and ended up parked in some cul-de-sac. I called some camp folk and asked how much longer they would be there. They were just getting ready to leave, which was fine because then I didn't have to pay for parking. They said they were looking for some place to meet up and just hang out, though, which was perfect because I really wanted to see them. We met at a Perkins and ate. Me more so than everyone else because I had anticipated eating a ton of food on sticks and, thanks to the ACMC in Litchfield, MN, I was unable to do that.

Perpetual Failure: Minnesota Sports

Thus far, my life as a sports fan has been nothing short of tragic. The only championship from a major pro sports team that I've witnessed was the Twins winning the World Series in 1991. I was three months old. Sure, just last year the Lynx won the WNBA title, but that just doesn't give me the same kind of excitement that I would expect from a championship. The major pro sports, I think, are football, baseball, basketball, and hockey. That means that, in order for me to witness a championship by one of my beloved Minnesota teams, either the Vikings, Twins, Timberwolves, or Wild would have to win one. The Vikings, Twins, and Wild are pretty awful, meaning the Timberwolves have the best shot at a title, though I think the Vikes will be a lot better this year (I'll get to that in a moment). You know Minnesota's sports outlook is pretty bleak when the Timberwolves have the best shot at a title. Their odds aren't good, either. They're not even decent. Sure, we've got Ricky Rubio and Kevin Love, arguably two of the best (if not the best in Kevin Love's case) at their respective positions of point guard and power forward, but outside of those two, we're not very good. Nikola Pekovic showed a lot of promise this year as the team's center, actually, so add him to the Love and Rubio group of "at-least-solid-starters. Derrick Williams showed flashes at times and, given that he was just a rookie, could end up being a very good player. The only problem is that he's more of a power forward than a small forward, and we've got the best power forward in basketball. The team desperately needs a shooting guard that can actually shoot (that seems like it should be easy to find, but apparently it's harder than it seems) and an athletic small forward. If we can get those this off-season, and if Rubio can fully recover from his knee injury, the Wolves will be a contender for a top-four spot in the west next year. Yeah, I said it.

*Sigh*... The Twins. This team is such a mess, I don't even know where to start. Yeah, we've won five of our last seven, which is good (it's actually really good. 1/3 of our wins have come in the last seven games), but frankly, we're a bad team. Without doing any research on this, I believe that Carl Pavano is the only current starter that was in the rotation at the start of the year. That's actually good because, even though all five of them were garbage, he was the best one. Consequently, I believe our starters had the highest ERA among starting rotations in baseball. Now we have three guys I've not heard of and Duensing in the rotation (I think), and I feel a lot more comfortable with that. It's not just the pitching though. Our hitting, though explosive at times, is inconsistent at best. It's unfortunate, too, because when the five guys on the team who can actually hit (Denard Span, Joe Mauer, Josh Willingham, Justin Morneau, and Ryan Doumit) are hitting well, we score a lot of runs. When they're not, though, that means it's up to guys like Alexi Casilla, Jamey Carroll, and Erik Komatsu to get hits. They can't get hits. Mauer and Morneau, though still good-very good, are shells of their former selves. If they were the Mauer and Morneau from five or six years ago, this team would be drastically better.

The definition of heartbreaker when it comes to sports has got to be the Minnesota Vikings. I mean, not last year. Last year they were pitiful. It's not like we've never been good, though. It's not even like we haven't been good recently, because we have. Remember 2009? Yeah, the 12-4, Brett-Favre-led Minnesota Vikings won the NFC North division, and should've at least made the Super Bowl. Yeah, I'm going to complain about that NFC Championship game a bit. First, though, I will reminisce. I remember week 3, Favre's last second, desperation heave to the endzone, miraculously caught by none other than Greg Lewis. I remember sprinting to my dorm room from my Monday night class to watch Favre beat the Packers on Monday Night Football. I remember all the "experts" saying the Cowboys would beat us in the Divisional round of the playoffs, their only reason being that the Cowboys won their Wild Card game. I remember saying, numerous times, "I hope we beat the Cowboys by 30, just so everyone will realize how dumb they are." I remember the Vikings winning 34-3, and the Cowboys complaining that we ran up the score. That game couldn't have been more perfect for me. Then, yes, I remember the NFC Championship game against my new-least-favorite team - the New Orleans Saints. The game in which Saints linebacker, Jonathan Vilma, offered $10,000 to whichever player knocked Favre out of the game. A sense of vindication came over me when the Saints' bounty system was discovered; I, along with many other Vikings fans, knew that the Saints players were playing dirty. Non-Vikings fans called us sore losers. What really bothers me, though, is that the referees just let that happen. They're just as pathetic as the Saints players.

That's not all with the heartbreak of the Vikings, though. Remember 1998? The '98 Vikings are the second best team to never win a Super Bowl, behind only the Patriots team that went 16-0 in the regular season. In '98, the Vikings went 15-1. Our kicker, Gary Andersen, didn't miss a single kick the whole year. That's unheard of! 100% accuracy on field goals for the whole year. Granted, we scored a ton of touchdowns, so Andersen didn't need to kick a lot of field goals. However, in the NFC Championship game that year, he not only kicked field goals, he missed field goals. We ended up losing in overtime, and seven-year-old Joe Russell cried.

Currently, the Vikings are not very good. We do, however, have the best running back in the league (Adrian Peterson) and the best defensive end in the league (Jared Allen). Christian Ponder, now that he has a decent left tackle in Matt Kalil, should improve drastically this year. An awful defensive secondary was improved (though only slightly) with the drafting of safety Harrison Smith and cornerback Josh Robinson. For some reason, no matter how bad the Vikings were the year before, I am always optimistic about the upcoming season at this time during the year. Knowing how horrible we were last year, looking at this year's schedule, I think six or seven wins is realistic. That's still not very good, but it's at least twice as good as last year.

(I know next to nothing about hockey, so I'm just going to assume the Wild will be bad again next year)

The thing about Minnesota sports teams is that we're not always bad, we're just never the best. I feel like if you want emotional balance in your life, you need to be a Minnesota sports fan. That sounds kind of crazy, given that it's pretty depressing here, sports-wise, but hear me out. You have to be optimistic to be a Minnesota sports fan. If you're pessimistic, the frustration, depression, and heart break will be too much, and you'll abandon ship. However, Minnesota sports turns anyone into a pessimist because Murphy's Law (what can go wrong will go wrong) is in full effect for every single sporting event. Actually, I guess it could go either way: you'll either find emotional balance, or you'll become a schizophrenic. Heh, well, good luck with that.

Visiting Mark

This story happened quite a while ago. I'd been meaning to write about it for a long time, now, but I'm pretty much pro when it comes to procrastinating.

In the middle of October, I decided I'd visit my friend, Mark, at his home in Owatonna. I went to my home in Cold Spring first, though, because I had to watch my little brothers on Friday night whilst my dad and step-mom were gallivanting about (I really don't remember what they were doing. They probably went to Menards or something). So, Saturday morning, I set out on my journey to Owatonna. The directions were pretty simple - 94 to 35W to Owatonna (those numbers are highways. Or freeways, I don't really know... Those big roads that cities have (I'm from a small town. Shut up)).

I found my way to 35W pretty easily, despite the fact that I followed the signs directing me there (the signs in the Twin Cities would be laughably inaccurate if I didn't depend on them to direct me places. Since I do, they are infuriatingly inaccurate). However, after about five minutes of driving on 35W, there was a sign indicating that there was construction work and, consequently, a detour. The whole highway/freeway/big road that cities have was blocked off, forcing the drivers to exit via the closest exit ramp, which I did. The people in charge of the detour forgot to put up detour signs, though. I was very much out of my element. I decided to follow other people who exited, which is a great plan, because, obviously, everyone else was going to Owatonna, too. When I realized that the odds of everyone else going to Owatonna were actually much lower than I had initially suspected, I called my dad, because he's pretty much a human GPS when it comes to the Twin Cities area of Minnesota. He directed me to Owatonna, where there was much rejoicing and fun had by all.

Sunday evening (Yes, I am going to skip over my time in Owatonna. It was fun, but this post is strictly about my driving woes), I had to go back to Brookings. You know, classes and stuff on Monday. I wanted Highway 14 West, because that's a straight shot to Brookings. I was driving and went by a sign that said in order to get to Highway 14 West, I'd have to take my next left. Except that next left was immediately after the sign, not giving me enough time to slow down and turn. I continued on, made a U-turn, and took the turn. Then there was sign that said there was construction on 14 East, which didn't affect me at all. The next sign said 14 East would be my next right, and 14 West would be my next left. I turned left, and realized that there was construction on this highway. Then I remembered that 14 East was supposed to have construction. I turned around and got onto 14 "East," which was actually 14 West, which was actually the same road I was on when I missed the turn to bring me to 14 West. It only took me an extra hour to get back to Brookings. Don't worry, though - I listened to the Vikings get annihilated against the Bears on the radio, so my drive was... actually it was pretty horrible.

Neither of these first two posts were about the Vikings, yet they both ended with a sad little factoid regarding them. So much for happy endings, eh?