Joyce From Morris - The Story of a Creepy Old Lady

I'm on a day camp in Morris right now. First of all, let me just tell you that despite the fact that Morris is a pretty small town, this day camp is awesome. Probably because the kids we're working with are fantastic, our host family is nice, and they have a really nice house with nice things.

Today, for one of our scheduled game times, the other counselors and I decided to take the kids outside to play a game (ships and sailors, if you were wondering. I'm sure you don't know what that even means unless you work or have worked at camp, though). During the third round of the game, I realized that there was an elderly lady holding a newspaper and a glass of beverage (I'm not entirely sure what the beverage was), standing on the sidewalk watching us. "Well, okay," I thought, because old people love kids - it didn't seem too weird to me. She cheered for the winners of that round and said, "You're all winners to me!" I still wasn't too weirded out at this point. Then she came over to me. I was holding my guitar for some reason - probably because I'm weird (there were exactly zero reasons for me to have my guitar) - and the lady asked if I could play in A minor. I can't, because I don't know what that even means. "Um, I can play an A minor! Lolz," I replied.

"Can you finish it?" I have no idea what that means. To be honest, I'm not sure she knows what that means.

"Uhh...wha-? Probably not...?"

"Can you follow me?"

"Umm, no."

"Do you know how to play 'This Land Is Your Land?'"

"Nope."

"Is it okay if I sing it with the kids? I'll do it a capella."

"Um, yeah! Wait, ...yeah? Sure. I think."

"Okay!" She then walked up to the kids, who were assembled in three lines because they were waiting to start another round of ships and sailors. "Hello, children! My name is Joyce, and I want to see if you can put your hands together." The kids all clapped once. "That's right! Put your hands together for our country!" Then she started singing 'This Land Is Your Land' and all of us counselors and all of the children were equally confused and weirded out. Once she finished the song, I started the next round of ships and sailors. One kid didn't want to play, though. He was probably traumatized from that crazy lady. She hadn't left, though, and offered her help. "Hey, kiddo, come on over here," she said. He did, but only because she was standing in the designated area for kids who had gotten out. "Let me tell you what I like about you, kiddo," she said, bending over so she could look him right in the eyes. Like anything with a brain would do, the poor lil' fella backed way up. "Come back over here. I'm not gonna bite ya. I'm not even gonna touch ya. You're a redhead, and us redheads gotta stick together." She then extended her arm and held out her hand. "Can I have a high five?" and the kid backed away even more. Then Joyce just left, and we hurried all the kids back into the church, away from the crazy ladies that apparently just roam the streets of Morris, searching for children to creep on.

Embrace The Wrinkles

If there's one thing I dislike, it's calculus. Unfortunately, there are many more things that I dislike. I'd say the number of things I dislike is rapidly approaching a bazillion. One of these near bazillion things are when old ladies try to hide their wrinkly faces. Maybe "hide" isn't the best word. I don't mean that they submerge their heads into sand like an ostrich or something (I'm now picturing an ostrich and I just realized how weird they look. They're just two giant legs, a fluffball body, a giant neck, and a tiny head with a big ol' bill-beak. For some reason, the ostrich I'm picturing also has giant eyelashes. Oh, now it's Chris Bosh. Chris Boshtrich), I just mean I don't like it when they can't accept the fact that they're getting old and try to get rid of their wrinkles. I have no problem if someone is applying magic wrinkle reducing cream - or whatever it is - religiously; it's when someone pays for surgery to get rid of their wrinkles. Are you kidding me? You're going to get surgery just to get rid of wrinkles. Are you aware that wrinkles are in no way detrimental? You know what you should do instead of surgery? You should take a clothes iron and iron your face. That'll get the wrinkles out and save you money, unless you're planning on treating your burns. Personally, I'd say leave them - you'd look scarier had you gotten a face lift, and the burns would serve as a reminder to how shallow you are. Seriously, when you get old, your face wrinkles - it's natural. Face lifts are unnatural. Unnatural = creepy. Ergo, face lifts = creepy. Just embrace your wrinkles, yo.

I feel as though this post pertains to exactly zero of the people that actually read my blog. Oh well. I guess this is just for future reference, ladies.

Also, fellas, if you're also contemplating a face lift, just...no. No.