Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Joe Russell: Crazy Cat Lady

A sad realization that I've recently had is that no woman will ever love me as much as one of my cats does. Granted, this cat loves me an insane amount. When I go to visit my mom (which is where this cat lives), this cat is the happiest animal alive. It is because of this, though, that I've decided to become a crazy cat lady.* Cats are just such loving creatures. "Joe, if you want a pet that will love you, you should get a dog," is what you may or not may not be thinking. Well, dear reader, let me tell you something. I have a dog and, while she doesn't hate me, she only loves me when nobody is home. Sometimes. Actually, most times when nobody else is home, she just lays on the couch, all depressed and lethargic. I feel like she does that because it's either that or hang out with me. When I realize she's moping because I'm the only one available, I say, "Wow, Lucy - that's a great impression of...most people I know." Then she lets out a huge sigh and I say, "Okay, now it's just uncanny!"

There are 4 cats that my family owns, 1 at my dad's house (along with the dog that loves me when it's convenient for her) and 3 at my mom's. Out of these 4 cats, 3 of them love me and the other has a mental disability. I'm not just saying that because she doesn't love me. Her preferred toy is a nail (or a pin, or a needle. Really, anything that is sharp and shiny), she forgets who people are, meows constantly for no reason, is afraid of everything, and doesn't realize that she enjoys being petted. If she could remember me, I'm sure she'd love me, though. Because I am a cat person. Not just a cat person, though - I am a crazy cat lady.

*I feel like, in order to be a crazy cat lady, you need to have a minimum of 5 cats in your house at all times. That means having at least 5 cats, but they have to be all indoor cats. If you have like 8 cats, but they're outside cats (or even outside/inside cats) then you might not be a crazy cat lady, because you probably won't have 5 inside at all times. Yes, I have put way too much thought into this, but only because it is my future, and I want to do it right. My new year's resolution is to become closer to crazy cat lady status. I'm starting out strong by spending New Year's Eve with 3 cats. I'm 60% crazy cat lady. Yes, the future is bright.

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