Mr. T Hates Me

When I was younger, I wanted a pet turtle more than anything. To this day, I still do not know why I so desperately wanted a turtle of all things. I have always been a sucker for reptiles and amphibians. Also, can we just combine those two animal groups, yet? Lizards, frogs, snakes, turtles - they're all pretty similar. We'll call them reptibians. Or amptiles. I like reptibians more. Anyway, one day, on his way home from work, my dad stopped by a Petsmart (I still am not sure if that's "Pets Mart" or "Pet Smart." I think that was their plan the whole time! Those sneaky executives...) and bought me a turtle. I was ecstatic. At this point in my life, I was horrible at coming up with names (I'm the best at it now. Seriously, ranked #1 in the world at coming up with names), so I decided on Mr. T. The "T" stood for "turtle." It wasn't until a few weeks later that I made the connection between Mr. T and the Mr. T. I then decided that I named my turtle after Mr. T.

One day, Mr. T's container was dirty, and needed cleaning. "Container" is the best word I can think to use. He lived in a big, plastic tote, filled with sand and water in such a way that it resembled a beach. Well, maybe if you've never been to a beach in your life. Regardless of beach quality, it wasn't like a little tiny container. I guess I could've said "Mr. T's tote," huh? Oh well. His habitat was dirty and smelly, so my dad said it would be a good idea to clean it. I took the tote outside, set Mr. T down in the grass, and cleaned his home for him. As I was rebuilding the "beach," my dad came outside and said, "Hey, come dry the dishes off for me."

"What about Mr. T? He's roaming free in our backyard."

"He's a turtle - he won't go far."

"Good point. Okay."

I was gone for maybe five minutes. I came back outside, and Mr. T was nowhere to be found! I even looked in our neighbors' lawns. Apparently he had been to a beach before and decided the one I created was not adequate.

And that's the story of how my pet turtle ran away. I pity the fool.

The Jokester - Thoughts Of A Liam

If I didn't have to go to college and could stay home forever, I think I could start a whole new blog titled "Thoughts Of A Liam." Alas, I do have to go to college and cannot stay home forever. That just means that I have to take advantage of my brother's puzzling little cranium while I can. Luckily, in order to do that, I don't actually have to do anything. I just sit here and he'll come up and start talking to me. Today, he had a joke. I think. It was more like a different way to present me with a fact, but it was told as a joke.

Liam: What do you call a turtle without a shell?

Me: Naked?

Liam: Nope!

Me: Homeless.

Liam: Nope!

Me: Okay, I give up. What do you call a turtle without a shell?

Liam: A not-turtle! Get it? Because all turtles have shells, and if this one didn't have a shell, it wouldn't be a turtle!

Me: ...That doesn't make any sense.

Liam: Oh...

Me: Well, I mean, it does, but it's not very funny.

Liam: Oh...

Me: Maybe you should go back to making up knock-knock jokes.

Liam: Maybe. What kind of ice cream are you going to get?

Me: (Confused stare)

Little kids are definitely in my top five for sources of entertainment, and having two brothers that are little kids is kind of like having two personal sources of entertainment, available to be used at any time. That's kind of a dark twist to the positive side of having little brothers, but I think you know what I mean. I don't "use" my brothers, I just get to be entertained for free almost every day I'm home.*

*Don't get me wrong - they're funny or whatever, but they're still my little brothers, which automatically makes them annoying. Like, really annoying. Most of the time they just annoy each other, though, so it's okay.