Wagon Wheel and Chicken Poppers. Naked.

I'm a delivery guy for Papa John's here in Brookings. It's not usually a super exciting job, but tonight was a little different. There were two deliveries I made that really stood out, and here's why:

My second delivery of the night was to 617 Wagon Wheel Circle 1, which means that 617 Wagon Wheel Circle is an apartment, and this person lives in apartment 1. Wagon Wheel Circle is in an area known as Western Estates. In Western Estates, each area has a name. For instance, all the 700 houses are Morgan's Run, so all of the houses in Western Estates whose house number is in the 700's will be in Morgan's Run. I drove to Western Estates and went to the 600's, since the apartment was 617. I quickly realized that there are no apartments in Western Estates but, for some reason, still assumed the address was correct, just the person was a little confused. I found the 600's, but the sign said that it was Morgan's Pass. "Ha, apparently this person is really confused - his house isn't on Wagon Wheel Circle." I looked for 617, but the 600's only went to 610. Okay. Well, I figured I should probably go to Wagon Wheel Circle, then. When I found Wagon Wheel Circle, I found that it was the 100's of Western Estate. "Oh, okay! He must've meant 117! That's a realistic mistake." Except Wagon Wheel Circle only goes up to 116. "Alright, I gotta call this dude and see what's up here." I pulled over and took out my phone, but I didn't have any service in Western Estates. Of course I didn't. I had to drive farther away from where I wanted to be, but I called the guy. "Hi, is this (name)?"

"Yup it is."

"Hi, this is Joe from Papa John's. I have your order, but I'm having a little trouble finding your place."

"Oh, you just drove right past me!"

"Oh, really?"

"Yeah!"

"Could you tell me your house number?" He could, and he did.

"Ooooooooookay. I'll be there in less than a minute."

And I was. When I got there I apologized and explained what happened.

"The address I have says 617 Wagon Wheel, so..."

"What? That's not right."

"I know. That's not even a real place."

"Yeah, I was gonna say..."

"Welp, have a good night!"

The other notable delivery I made tonight almost didn't happen. I had just gotten back from delivering to campus (which I hate. Our campus is dumb as far as dorms and parking available) and my boss said, "Well, Joe, you wanna do one more or are you ready to go home?" I figured I could do one more. I mean, more money, and there weren't any other drivers in the store at that time, so I kind of had to take it. This one was an apartment. An actual apartment. I've been to this apartment quite a few times this weekend with deliveries. Actually, I'd been to this same room this weekend. The guy who lives there is cool! I was excited. I drove there, went in, and knocked on the guy's door. No answer. I knocked again. No answer. This went on for probably five minutes, which is a long time for knocking. I started to chuckle to myself because I thought, "Heh, he's probably doing it with some chick. Heh." I decided I should call. Of course, though, I had no service in this apartment building. I went outside. As I was walking towards my car, I looked over my shoulder because I knew that this guy's apartment had a window facing the street. As I looked, a woman walked into the room. She was naked. She was also large. "Gross," I thought. But then I thought, "Hey! Someone will answer the door now!" so I went back in and knocked. No answer. I knocked again. I heard a weird yelping noise, then the door opened a tiny bit and a guy stuck his head out. He handed me some money and said, "You can keep all of it!" and I handed him his chicken poppers." Then I thought, "Heh, I was totally right. He totally was doing it," but I felt a little awkward because, since I delivered to this guy's apartment the other night, I felt like I knew him a little.

For some reason, as I was walking to my car, I looked over my shoulder again and into the window. There they both were. Just sitting on some bar stools at the counter eating some chicken poppers. Naked.

Grocery Shopping

Patience is a virtue. That phrase is forever engraved in my mind, as I was a very impatient child. I think it's safe to say that I'm much more patient now, except for when it comes to grocery shopping. I don't mind grocery shopping, unless I go with my family, because then I know it will be at least an hour spent in the store. I don't understand how people can take that long to buy groceries, especially when they have a list. Usually, it only takes me about twenty minutes. Granted, I get less than twenty items, but I feel like, compared to the national average, that's a pretty impressive time. The only thing that slows me down is if I can't find something, there's a jillion people who are also grocery shopping at the time, or the cashier has the mental capacity of a fetus. Sadly, that last one is mildly common.

I went to Wal-Mart the other day (yes, I know. How could I go to Wal-Mart? My walk of shame is going from Wal-Mart to my car with bags of groceries) to get three things. That's it. Just three things - bread, spaghetti sauce, and ground beef. Do you know for how long I was gone? At least half an hour. Why? Well, I will tell you.

First, the parking. There was a good amount of people at Wal-Mart, so parking was a bit difficult, even for me. There is one trait I did not inherit from my father, and that is the trait of Russell Parking. Russell Parking, if you're wondering, is when one drives around the parking lot for as long as it takes to get a good spot. A first-four spot (the first four spots in each row) is considered a "good" spot. I, on the other hand, realize that the parking lot is close to capacity, and consider it a victory if I can find a spot in general. There's one thing that can thwart either strategy - idiot parking lot drivers. Not surprisingly, I encountered an idiot parking lot driver immediately upon entering the parking lot. I was driving up a row just looking for a spot, and the guy in front of me just stopped. "Oh, lucky guy, someone is pulling out of a spot and this guy's gonna take it," I thought. I mean, obviously that's what was happening. There's no other reason to stop. Well, pedestrians, I suppose, but whatever. There weren't any pedestrians. There also wasn't a guy backing out of a spot. This joker just stopped in the middle of the parking lot. Baffled, I sat in my car trying to fathom possible reasons for his stop. Then he started moving again. I didn't, though, because right after the guy in front of me moved, the cart guy was right there to collect carts. There were a lot of carts. As a former cart guy, I know it's important to not impede the movement of cars in the parking lot. It was clearly this guy's first day on the job, because he did not know this basic rule. He pulled out the carts in such a fashion that it took up the whole row of the parking lot, then left the train of carts there to go and gather the stragglers. Eventually, he gathered all of his carts and left, and I found a parking spot.

Once in the store, it honestly took me about two minutes to get my three things, which may not sound too impressive, but based on my observations, if there was a grocery shopping event in the Olympics, I would be vying for the gold medal every four years. I went to the checkout. I hate the self-checkouts because I don't trust them. I've used them twice, and they messed up both times. So, I went to the 20 items or less checkout. I think. Maybe it's ten or less - I really don't know. I do know that it wasn't two items or less, so I was fine. The cashier was an old lady, and very slow. The three people in front of me were also old, and also very slow. This did not sit well with me, as the two clowns in the parking lot had left me feeling very impatient. It was finally my turn to check out, and the total came to like $5.99 or something. It was definitely something and 99 cents. I said, "You can keep the penny," because I hate pennies. The cashier smiled and said, "No, you take it - you might need it," which I feel is a pretty accurate assumption of anyone who shops at Wal-Mart. Sadly, she was right - I probably will need that penny.

Motorcar Miracle (Reunited And It Feels So Good)

I'm back in Brookings for college, now. Guess how I got here. Aww yeah - I drove. Guess what I drove. Aww yeah - I drove Maxwell. "But I thought Maxwell was dead!" you may or may not be thinking. He was dead. So dead. Let me tell you what happened.

My dad found out about this guy just outside of Cold Spring who does good work with cars, called him up to inform him of my predicament, and told him we'd bring Maxwell out for him to fix. My dad and I went out to where Maxwell was laid to rest, applied some jumper cables, and let him charge up for about 15 minutes. It was about 10 miles to this guy's shop, so we figured one minute for each mile, plus an extra five minutes, just to be safe. Well, we weren't safe enough. Ol' Maxwell died again, probably 60 yards (I'm horrible at estimating. It could very well have been 12 feet - I have no idea) away from the shop. We pushed him the final few unknown amount of unknown units to the shop, and the guy said he'd bring it to this other guy, and only charge us what he had to pay + labor. My dad was telling me he anticipated $400 in the worst-case scenario. This guy said no more than $150, which was quite reassuring. It turned out that the alternator was completely dead. The guy said the brushes no longer had brushes on them, which I would guess is bad and probably counterproductive. Since this was the case, it ended up costing me $163. Being the eternal pessimist that I am, I was a bit distraught, because he said "no more than $150." Now, I'm no mathematician, but I'm pretty sure $163 is greater than $150. On top of that, he informed me that the gas gauge and the temperature gauge were both not working. Temperature gauge...eh...I can handle that not working. The gas gauge, though? Really? That's a little problematic to not know how much gas I have. I wouldn't have been upset had he decided to fix that, too. I guess I can just refer to those failing gauges as Maxwell's battle wounds, though. It's so great to be reunited with my car!

I was a fool to ever leave your side

Me minus you is such a lonely ride

The breakup we had has made me lonesome and sad

I realize I love you

'Cause I want you bad, Maxwell

I spent the evening with the radio
Regret the moment that I let you go
Our mishap was such a way of learning so much
I know now that I love you
'Cause I need your wheels, Maxwell

Reunited and it feels so good
Reunited 'cause we understood
There's one perfect fit
And, Maxwell, this one is it
We both are so excited
'Cause we're reunited, Maxwell

"Reunited And It Feels So Good" - Peaches & Herb, altered by Joe Russell

Applebee's Adventures

If you know me, you know that I love me some Applebee's. More specifically, I love me some half-apps (half-apps, if you're wondering, are half-priced appetizers. Applebee's has half-apps after 9:00 PM (Note: some Applebee's restaurants do not have half-apps on weekends. Be sure to ask your server about potential half-apps deals)). This past week, there was not one, but two half-apps nights for me. Both times I was accompanied by some great friends, which always makes those half-apps even more delicious (it doesn't make them even more half-priced, though). There were some shenanigans both times. One shenanigan* was pretty funny. The other, however, was just sad.

On Wednesday of last week, a bunch of friends and I went to see a movie, followed by a delicious meal at Applebee's. It's kind of a tradition for us. Anyway, our food was great, our server was patient/nice, etc. Since our server was so patient/nice, I decided I should tip an extra dollar in addition to what I already left as a tip. I pulled out this extra dollar, said, "Make it RAIIIIN!" and tossed it on the table. This dollar had other plans, though. It fluttered away and hit some girls that were walking by our table. So, in essence, I threw a dollar bill at some girls while saying "Make it RAIIIIN!" I've never laughed so hard at something I've done in my life. The sad thing, though, was that the girls didn't react at all. They didn't slow down, look in the direction of our table, look at the dollar, or anything. I mean, if I were walking by a table, and someone said "Make it RAIIIN!" I would look. Even if they didn't throw money at me, I'd look.

The very next night, I went to Applebee's again, this time with camp friends! I wasn't very hungry, but I knew I would be later, so I ordered two half-apps (I usually order two half-apps, but I'm usually hungry enough where I think I can eat two half-apps (I usually can't)). Sure enough, I still had five honey-barbecue boneless wings and two cheeseburger sliders by the time my stomach had reached maximum capacity. I asked for a box; I received two, which I thought was great, because I don't like when my food touches. I put the wings in one box and intricately drizzled ranch over them, so it wouldn't just be a big ol' delicious mess when I opened the box. I had to reconstruct my cheeseburger sliders so I could actually pick them up (Applebee's does a great job at making them delicious, but it's like they were trying to make a salad out of mini cheeseburgers - everything was just kind of there and not assembled in any way). After all of this hard work to ensure I would be fully satisfied when I opened these boxes again, we left. Except I forgot my boxes. That's a pretty decent meal I just left on the table, all neatly organized and such. I didn't even realize what I had done until about 3:00 the next morning, and hear you me, that is a horrible realization to have - especially at 3:00 AM.

*I've never used the singular form of "shenanigans" before. I thought that was worthy of a * sub point thing.** Also, I really just love using these * sub point things.

**Someday, I'm going to learn what the actual name for a * sub point thing is. Someday, but not today.